That was one sick emotional roller coaster!

I've had a few very scary moments in my life. Scariest moment was May 8, 2003, when I thought I was losing Josh. Second scariest was the first time I spotted with this pregnancy. Third scariest was when they couldn't find Josh's heartbeat. All of those have officially moved down a notch today.

I began spotting again this weekend at almost 16 weeks pregnant. Today I went into the doctor's office. They used the doppler and couldn't find the heartbeat. Then they used the portable ultrasound machine and did an external scan. The doctor could find the bleed. Basically the placenta is pulling away and there is a small bleed underneath it. I am to avoid stress, anxiety and heavy lifting for the next 24 weeks. For Josh that means I can't carry him and for everyone else that means don't stress me out! :-)

Well, after finding the bleed the doctor still couldn't find the baby. So she went to an internal ultrasound. Still no baby. At this point she had looked for about 30 minutes. I said, "I don't see a baby." and she said, "I don't either. And I should at 16 weeks." Basically, at that point I was hysterical. She went back to do another external scan. She found a flickering of a heart, but no baby. Just a mass. So I lay there sobbing thinking that I am going to have to face the decision of having to terminate this "non-viable" pregnancy when there is still a heartbeat or wait until the baby dies and I miscarry.

The doctor stopped the examination and said she was going to send me to ultrasound downstairs. The machinery is way more sensitive and would be able to see more. By then I'd been in there for over an hour and it was 12:20. I got dressed and the nurse said she could get me in for an ultrasound at 1:00. Still crying, I said, "Thank You." I walked out and immediately called Dustin.

He only heard me crying and kept asking what happened. I told him and he said he'd try to get there as soon as possible. I called mom's office and she was at lunch. I walked the agonizing walk down to ultrasound and checked in. The woman at the counter could tell I'd been crying and said she'd tell the tech I was there. I had just enough time to tell mom where I was and the tech left her lunch early to come save me from waiting any longer. I'm telling you, I HAVE THE BEST OB-GYN OFFICE IN THE WORLD!

She got started and mom miraculously appeared at my side and this is what we saw....






A perfect baby. The heartbeat was at 154 and baby is measuring exactly to date; 15 weeks, 6 days. I am completely drained from emotion today. As low as I felt at 12:20, it was the polar opposite by 12:35.

I am so glad mom got to be there. She got to see all those kicks, the stomach, the heart, the hands and arms flailing, the spine....everything! Tonight I am going to go home to my beautiful son and make cookies for Santa with him.

Then I am going to go to bed and thank God again for giving me Josh and then thank him again for keeping me pregnant. My children are my world and the thought of losing one, even an unborn one, is unbearable.